The Best Comebacks to the Worst Online Dating Come-ons

Look away while you still can. Seriously, people. This post is littered with train wrecks. You can’t unsee this stuff.

I should know.

I read in horror. I mocked. And now I’m sharing with you.

These messages are brought to you courtesy of my mismatches on match.com. Which I recommend for laughs but not love. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Even though they didn’t deserve it. Like, at all.

The occasional commentary is between myself and @austinlaneyoder.

The sexist (age 34)

I almost did not respond to this one at all. I mean, c’mon. “There’s nothing wrong with that?”! You’re darn tootin’.

But a good friend told me I couldn’t not reply, and he was right.

The old friend (age 54)

 

The pessimist (age 23) 

Casey

Pretty sure I blocked this ray of sunshine.

The guy who didn’t think it through (age 23)

The lover (29)

*rubs temples*

Where would a therapist even begin? That grammar! What is with the two periods? Could he not commit to an ellipsis? If he can’t commit to an ellipsis, how can he expect to commit to a relationship? Why three hours of lovemaking? And “chef gown?” He was so precise with everything, and then he couldn’t think of the word “apron.” Really. . . ?

Guess I’m still on the look out for a Joe Fox to trade zingers with.

Speaking of, if you liked this post, check out Buzzfeed’s This Is What Happens When You Send Tinder Guys The Emails From “You’ve Got Mail.” It’s *singsongs* hilarious.

What’s the worst come-on you’ve ever received?

The Best Comebacks to the Worst Online Dating Come-ons – Tweet that!

Online dating might not be all it’s cracked up to be, but it can definitely crack you up.- Tweet that!

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My name is Nichole—Nichole Parks. Not to be confused with Nicholas Sparks. Nicky boy handles the drama. And me? I take on the trauma. Dark humor is my specialty.

8 thoughts on “The Best Comebacks to the Worst Online Dating Come-ons

  1. Oh my gosh! You’ll need a backhoe to remove that load of creepy. I get three or four Facebook “friend” requests each day from young women with lots of cleavage and very little clothing! “Ladies, have you seen my profile pic?! And if you’re looking for a ‘sugar daddy,’ you obviously don’t much about freelance writers!” Sheesh. I guess you and I will just have to live with the burden of being sex symbols! Sigh.

    Like

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