If Famous Authors Were on Dating Sites

Whether you can write romantic prose or not, the course of online dating never did run smooth.

Below you’ll find the imagined dating profiles of Jane Austen, J. R. R. Tolkien, Ernest Hemingway, William Shakespeare, and Agatha Christie. The majority of which are comprised of quotes from the authors.

austen-e1471869227247

Bio

I’ve come here with no expectations. I wish as well as everybody else to be happy; but like everybody else, it must be in my own way.

All I want in a man is someone who rides bravely, dances beautifully, sings with vigor, reads passionately, and whose taste agrees in every point with my own.

Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony which is why I’ll end up an old maid. However, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then.

What is your favorite compliment that you have received?  

Obstinate, headstrong girl.

Favorite date. . .

There is nothing like staying home for real comfort.

My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation. I do not want people to be very agreeable as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

tolkien-e1471869270273

Bio

I am in fact a Hobbit (in all but size). I like gardens, trees, and unmechanized farmlands; I smoke a pipe, and I like good plain food. . . I go to bed late and get up late (when possible).

I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone. So I thought I’d try here.

After all, there is nothing like looking if you want to find something.

Would you like to be the one I call my precious?

How would you show a date a good time?

Second breakfast. I believe if most of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

Can you cook?

Yes. Po-ta-toes! Boil ‘em. Mash ‘em. Stick ‘em in a stew.

ernest-1-e1471869329159

Bio

Broken man, but aren’t we all?

Ideal relationship

We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright.

Five things I couldn’t live without

  • Fishing
  • Hunting
  • Paris
  • Gin martini
  • I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

Cat or dog person

Cat. A cat has absolute emotional honesty. Human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings but a cat does not.

shakespeare-1-e1471869370748

Bio

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more.

If you were mine, I would compare thee to a summer’s day. I would not wish any companion in the world but you. I [would] wear my heart upon my sleeve. I [would] love thee with a love that shall not die, till the sun grows cold, and the stars grow old. I’d follow you and make heaven out of hell, and I’d die by your hand, which I love so well.

For my bounty is a boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.

You could doubt the stars are fire; doubt the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love.

The only thing left to question is “Are we to be, or not to be?”

Aside: I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it.

What is your life motto?

Live, love, and let be.

Describe past relationships.

Regardless of endings, whether you love me or hate me, both are in my favor. . . If you love me, I’ll always be in your heart. . . If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind. Let me say, “The course of true love never did run smooth” and speak no more.

christie-e1471869405225

Bio

Very few of us are what we seem.

For example: everyone is a potential murderer–in everyone there arises from time to time the wish to kill–though not the will to kill. That’s not to say that I believe everyone is bad. So many people seem to me not to be either bad or good, but simply, you know, very silly.

But then again, it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.

Cat or dog person

I suppose I would be a dog person because dogs are wise. They crawl away into a quiet corner and lick their wounds and do not rejoin the world until they are whole once more.

You should contact me if…

  • You have a profile picture.
  • You will subject yourself to a background check.
  • And most important, the little gray cells are working.

. . . And then there were none.

If you’d like to read more online dating humor, check out The Best Comebacks to the Worst Online Dating Come-ons and sign up for my newsletter.

Which profile was your favorite? How excited would you be if I told you Dr. Seuss was in If Famous Writers Were on Dating Sites Part II?

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My name is Nichole—Nichole Parks. Not to be confused with Nicholas Sparks. Nicky boy handles the drama. And me? I take on the trauma. Dark humor is my specialty.

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