That time I asked online daters if they were serial killers, and their responses were dead on.

Whatever. I’m a creeper magnet.

I accepted that. . . or did until last week.

You should’ve seen the message I got. I mean. . . *huffs* The perv wanted to talk fantasies. Fantasies! *cringes* His first contact with me and already he’s getting up close and personal.

But you know what?  I actually did have a fantasy. A fantasy that someday I’d get to dish back what I’d be taking. (More like reporting.)

That someday came. Finally.

These are the messages from that time I asked online creepers if they were serial killers and their responses were dead on.

The first “volunteer” . . .

With such a successful run, I couldn’t help myself from having more fun. But I didn’t want to target the nice guys. That left me with 99% of okcupid’s dating pool.

A major red flag for me is no profile picture. I need a face to put to the message. It’s bad enough that many of the online daters don’t match their photos. Starting off without one is super sketch. (So sketch a sketch artist can’t picture it.)

Such is the case with this

Eager Beaver


Zzzap. Zzzap!


Rookie Blue credit goes to ABC and Global

Not too long after, another no-pic gent made himself a target.

The Creeper Perv


As in Ice Ice Bozo. From there I was kinda on a roll, and the no profile pic messages just kept coming.

Mr. Small Talk


He seemed pretty normal for not having a profile picture. I almost felt a little bad—even asked some probing questions of my twisted sense of humor. Exactly what kind of person gets a kick out of writing dark humor? Or interrogates un-potential suitors?

Rookie Blue credit goes to ABC and Global

But sometimes it’s just about finding a person who gets you. . . even creeper you.

A Worthy Opponent

*struggles not to smiles so hard that my cheeks hurt* So, yeah. That happened.

Rookie Blue credit goes to ABC and Global

And they all lived happily ever after.

They all lived. That’s the most important part of any story involving serial killers.

To read more installments of dating humor see:

How do you keep creepers in check? I could use all the help I can get.


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My name is Nichole—Nichole Parks. Not to be confused with Nicholas Sparks. Nicky boy handles the drama. And me? I take on the trauma. Dark humor is my specialty.

5 thoughts on “That time I asked online daters if they were serial killers, and their responses were dead on.

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